


Hold me tight 'cause I'm just holding on for tonight

by OtterAndTerrier



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: Princess Leia (Comics)
Genre: Bisexual Leia Organa, Casual Sex, F/F, Fade to Black, Femslash, Femslash February, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Mild Smut, Missing Scene, Post-Star Wars: A New Hope, Pre-Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back, alcohol mention, basically gals being gay in space but end up as just friends, this doesn't contradict future Han/Leia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-26
Updated: 2020-02-26
Packaged: 2021-02-27 22:21:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,406
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22903114
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OtterAndTerrier/pseuds/OtterAndTerrier
Summary: Nothing really hurt as much as Leia thought it should. Hugging Han and Luke after they’d come back to Yavin IV had been the last burst of unrestrained positive emotion she’d felt, and afterwards, as reality sunk in, her feelings had just dimmed, all but her anger. The warmth growing inside her as Evaan combed her hair, removing a headpiece before moving to the next without asking, that was dim too, but at least it was comforting, like a glow-lamp in a dark cavern.Set in the Princess Leia (2015) comic. Leia deals with her grief and finds comfort in the arms of someone who won't call her a friend.
Relationships: Chewbacca & Leia Organa & Luke Skywalker & Han Solo, Leia Organa/Evaan Verlaine
Comments: 6
Kudos: 22





	Hold me tight 'cause I'm just holding on for tonight

**Author's Note:**

> I came up with this idea in 2017 and have been putting off writing it until now. This was a challenge because I'd never written gay relationships and I wanted to treat this one with respect; also because this exploration was very personal to me, and finally because Leia's state of mind immediately after ANH is hard to pin down and deserves a lot of consideration. This story is as much about the possibility of Leia and Evaan hooking up during the events of the comic as it is about Leia dealing (or not) with her grief and being able to share it with someone who is going through the same thing. I hope you'll find it both sexy and emotional! (And as I said in the tags, this doesn't contradict future Han/Leia nor bashes Han.)
> 
> I think you'd manage just fine if you haven't read the comic, but as this fic is based on it and set during that timeline, there are a lot of references to the plot and characters. A couple of dialogue lines from it were included verbatim.
> 
> Many thanks to **lajulie** and **thewritingpuss** for their encouragement and suggestions, this wouldn't be the same without your help!

Leia watched the people gathered in the main hold of the  _ Lord Junn _ with a small, pleased smile plastered on her face. Their conversation as they spoke to one another in Alderaanian or in accented Basic made her feel at home—yet she couldn’t be further from home. Her hands tightened around the nearly empty glass she was holding, and she stared at the dark green liquid before downing the rest of it. Her smile wavered for a second, but she fixed it in place. A princess must lead, and lead by example first.

Three days had gone by since the Death Star had wiped the slate of her life clean, emptied her of almost everything but her rage, left her to remake herself. Rage and grief. She couldn’t pick up the pieces of Alderaan and glue them back together, but she would glue herself back together with whatever it took until she saw the end of the Empire.

It was not revenge that fueled her. Revenge would demand she did something stupid and entirely self-centered to ensure that the people who had hurt her paid for it. Her pain had been somewhat soothed by the explosion in the sky that had signalled the end of the monstrosity, and the end of Tarkin’s life, but he was not the top of the chain of command. No: she’d been committed to wage this war for the better of the whole galaxy; even as they had dangled her home in front of her eyes, she’d lied to them. She would have kept fighting even if Alderaan had been spared.

So, after medals had been given out to the heroes and as equipment was being packed for the imminent relocation, she had escaped Yavin IV with Evaan Verlaine—a fellow Alderaanian—and R2-D2 to find any survivors of their planet’s destruction and lead them to safety before the Empire could find them. So far, they had managed to track down a cloister of immigrants on Naboo, and an enclave on Sullust. Though there had been no shortage of difficulties in their journey, the emotional toll it was taking on Leia was proving to be even harder. Part of her still wanted to call her parents at the end of the day, hear their words of encouragement and advice, tell them she loved them and would be home soon. She knew none of that was possible anymore. Leia had to draw strength from her people now.

During a momentary respite while part of the Sullustan enclave worked to discover who had betrayed them to the Empire, a little get-together had been organized in Leia’s ship, the _Lord Junn_ , to celebrate the rebel smuggler Nien Nunb’s help, and as an opportunity for the refugees to get to know each other; something to lighten their sorrows for a couple of hours. It had been Evaan’s idea.

‘They’re not fighters, ma’am,’ she’d told Leia. ‘We can’t ask them not to grieve—we need a night off. For ourselves as well.’

The pleasure craft Leia had acquired from its treacherous namesake was equipped with a couple of casks of Nabooian emerald wine, and Leia thought it would be a shame not to take advantage of that. She had kept herself busy talking to her people for the first hour or so; then, she’d managed to find a seat in a semi hidden corner from where she could still observe everything. Her original intention had been to drink enough to stop thinking for a while, but her third glass was having the opposite effect.

Her eyes found Evaan, telling Nunb about the trick she’d pulled to fool Luke Skywalker and Wedge Antilles into letting their ship escape the Yavin system, as Dodonna had ordered the princess to stay put and grieve. Leia was more adept at giving orders than following them, but she usually managed. She had been at a loss for how to follow this one, though.

She had been in the middle of helping out a tech with directions and trying to figure out what to do herself, when she had met Evaan Verlaine: the tall, blonde woman in orange fatigues who had stayed behind after the ceremony, standing in silent respect in front of the life-sized holo of Bail and Breha that made for an improvised homage. Leia didn’t know what had made her walk up to someone she had overheard referring to her as an “Ice Princess”. It wasn’t as if Leia had any interest in defending the real depth of her emotions, even to a fellow Alderaanian. Maybe it was the pull of someone who seemed to feel the loss of Bail and Breha, not just of Alderaan, nearly as deeply as Leia did.

Evaan didn’t like Leia; she had made that clear from the start. And yet, she had pledged to defend the princess’s life above everything else as the Empire set out to destroy every remaining piece of Alderaan’s legacy.

Leia thought she’d finally earned some genuine respect from the pilot, though, but not her friendship. She wondered how long it would take for anyone to see her as a friend, not just a leader or a comrade. Would she have to go through the whole war feeling so alone, so empty? After the battle above Yavin, she’d thought a friendship had formed between Luke, Han, Chewie and her, but had it, really? Getting out alive on the other end of a near-death experience with someone created a unique sort of bond, but it didn’t mean it had to last. She hoped to see them all again.

The rejection from her fellow Alderaanian rebel still hurt, though, especially as they spent more and more time together. Leia grudgingly acknowledged that growing up as the daughter of the ruling house of her planet had made her care about what other people thought of her and try to win them over. To do that, she always had to figure out the person, what motivated them, what they liked, what they thought. She wanted to understand Evaan, but she also wanted Evaan to…  _ like _ her. Leia was hardly ever fascinated by people; it was fair that she wanted to be found fascinating as well.

Evaan laughed at something the Sullustan pilot said. It was the first time Leia saw her like that, relaxed and genuine. She had a pretty smile, with lips fuller than her own. Even in her sleek black shirt and pants and her battered yellow jacket, despite the fact she was a couple of years older than Leia—three, if her calculations were correct—for the first time she looked like a young, carefree woman. Leia pictured herself in Nien Nunb’s place, being looked at with open warmth instead of grudging obedience, an arm playfully thrown over her shoulders instead of metaphorically used to keep her at a distance.

There was a funny feeling in Leia’s stomach, and her cheeks grew inexplicably warm.

_ I think I’ve had enough to drink for tonight. _

Putting her glass down, Leia stood up abruptly and sneaked out of the gathering.

* * *

The lights inside her cabin were set to a low glow. Without bothering to take off her clothes, Leia had lain down on the luxurious bed, a far cry from the camp bunk she’d recently slept on at the Yavin IV temple. She had asked Evaan earlier whether she should offer the main cabin to Jora Astane, the strict Preserver of the Sullustan enclave whose opinion about Leia seemed to be ever changing, as a gesture of goodwill, but the pilot had rejected the idea flatly.

‘You are her princess.  _ She _ should treat you with deference, not the other way around,’ Evaan had told her.

‘Having a bigger cabin is of no consequence to me, but a small gesture like that could go a long way.’ That had been one of her parents’ many lessons in leadership. Showing off that you were better than your subjects didn’t earn their respect, but showing kindness did.

Still, Evaan had stubbornly shook her head. 

‘With someone like this, you need to show you have the power. Otherwise she’ll think you weak; I wouldn’t be surprised if she attempted a secession,’ she had argued, pursing the left corner of her mouth as Leia knew she would by then.

What had Evaan expected from Leia back at the Yavin ceremony? That she broke down in the middle of it, in front of everyone? That she reminisced about her parents, telling stories of how she used to help her mother in the garden as she learned about governance, or played chess with her father while they discussed politics? How could she have done that, when her mind had still been trying to understand what had happened?

Leia wasn’t sure it understood it even now. Logically, she knew that Alderaan was gone. She had seen it happen. But there had been no bodies for her to bury. Loss was the absence of something, and death was such an enormous loss, you were supposed to have a body to help you understand the absence of life. Her loss was too big to process, but without the bodies, the charred buildings, the scattered pieces of her life on the floor, it was also easy to keep it contained in a box. This box was fragile, though: Leia was afraid if she opened it even a smidge, everything would spill out and she would lose herself in the mess.

The buzzer for her door rang. Leia sat up, glad to still be presentable. Maybe they had news about their secret informant; then she wouldn’t have to pretend to sleep for the rest of the night.

When the door slid open, Evaan was prompt to apologize for calling.

‘Sorry, ma’am,’ she said, and gave Leia a once-over before stating, ‘You weren’t sleeping.’

‘No.’

The yellow jacket was gone and so was Evaan’s blaster holster.

‘Are you feeling well? I saw you leave the party like you were in a hurry,’ Evaan explained. ‘I would have come sooner, but someone had to point people to their cabins.’

‘Sorry about that.’ Leia stepped away from the door to let her come in if she wanted. ‘I’m fine. Just tired.’

‘If you have a headache, I could go get some analgesics for you.’

‘No, no. I can handle a couple of drinks, if that’s what you’re thinking.’

‘I wouldn’t dare to presume.’

It was too early to rule out a headache. Leia let out a tired sigh and sat at the foot of the bed as Evaan stepped inside her cabin and palmed the door closed.

‘Of course you wouldn’t,’ she muttered, feeling moody.

‘Sorry if I offended you, ma’am.’

‘I’d be less offended if you didn’t  _ ma’am _ me quite so much and just called me Leia.’

Evaan pressed her lips.

‘I’ll try to use it less.’

No part of Leia’s stay in the Death Star had been a treat, but she found herself suddenly missing Luke, Chewbacca and Han’s disregard for formalities. Even Luke’s deference had been tinted by his lack of experience in dealing with royalty. Chewbacca had been genuinely respectful without being subservient, which was more than Leia had the right to ask for after the way she’d treated him. As for the  _ Millennium Falcon’s _ captain, he hadn’t been impressed by her in the least. When you spent all your life surrounded by people who either had a duty to obey and respect you, or did so to get something out of you, a little irreverence was kind of refreshing. In the end, they had followed her because of what she could do, not because of her titles.

‘Do you only respect me because you have to, Evaan?’ she blurted out.

The pilot shifted her weight to one leg, her knee bending lightly. Two beats went by before she said, ‘No, m—No. But you are my princess, so you would still have my deference if I didn’t.’

Leia looked down at the bedspread and traced the patterns with her fingers.

‘Deference is… isolating.’ 

‘Perhaps, but it’s yours by birthright. Well, you know what I mean,’ Evaan added when Leia raised an eyebrow at her, silently reminding her that she had been adopted. ‘Respect is earned. You… don’t do a bad job of earning it on your own merit.’

That was the first compliment Evaan had ever offered to her, even if it was of the roundabout sort. Leia smiled in thanks, but said nothing. She lifted her hands to her hair and began to unclip the golden accessories covering her braids.

‘I should let you rest if you’re tired,’ Evaan said.

Hair caught in the pins that held the pieces in place and pulled at her scalp; Leia let out an Alderaanian curse.

‘Let me help you.’ Evaan waited for Leia to nod and sat next to her on the bed, one leg folded under her thigh as she examined Leia’s head. Her fingers probed under the filigreed shells with care, brushing the scalp in an accidentally soothing manner as they untangled the strands of brown hair without undoing the braids. Something fluttered in the lower part of Leia’s stomach and she sneezed.

‘To your health,’ Evaan said automatically in Alderaanian above Leia’s ear. ‘I never cared much for headpieces, they get in the way with helmets, but I had a girlfriend who loved them. Her hair wasn’t as thick as yours, so she had to do a lot of twists for anything to hold on to it—always ended up with knots.’

Trying not to move her head, Leia glanced sideways and got a blurry glimpse of Evaan’s intense expression as she worked. For all the friction between them, it felt comforting to be with someone who could make Alderaan feel so present, so alive through small, casual things, someone who wouldn’t look at Leia oddly and ask what she meant, or else try to offer words of comfort. Maybe in another life, they could have been friends. They could have been paired up in a mission for the Alliance, and they could have gone back home together at the end of the day. Maybe Leia would have asked her out.

There she was, blushing again.

‘Did that hurt?’ Evaan asked.

‘No.’ Nothing really hurt as much as Leia thought it should. Hugging Han and Luke after they’d come back to Yavin IV had been the last burst of unrestrained positive emotion she’d felt, and afterwards, as reality sunk in, her feelings had just dimmed, all but her anger. The warmth growing inside her as Evaan combed her hair, removing a headpiece before moving to the next without asking, that was dim too, but at least it was comforting, like a glow-lamp in a dark cavern.

‘There you go. This one was easier.’

Leia blinked and turned to see Evaan holding out the nested accessories in one hand. Rebel agents had swept the apartment she’d shared with her father in Coruscant as soon as word of her capture had gotten out, grabbing even her personal items in case she kept anything of consequence to the Alliance hidden among them. Three crates were all that had been spared of Leia’s former life.

She meant to say thank you, but the words she ended up blurting out instead made her painfully aware of the fact that she hadn’t eaten anything before drinking those three full glasses of aged wine.

‘Could I kiss you?’

Evaan’s golden brown eyes widened as she jerked back in surprise. It was a nearly unnoticeable movement, but enough to make Leia think the pilot was leaning away from her and snap out of her hair-brushing-induced stupor.

She snatched the headpieces out of Evaan’s hands and stood up brusquely, feeling stunned.

‘I’m sorry—I’m so sorry, please excuse me, that was completely inappropriate of me.’ With her back turned to the bed where Evaan was still sitting in silence, Leia busied herself by placing the accessories inside a drawer. Her heart was beating so fast inside her ribcage, it was making her dizzy. ‘I hope you can forgive me, Evaan—I would hate to lose you as my advisor.’

‘You went white,’ Evaan said with alarm, jumping to her feet. She took Leia’s arm and guided her back to the bed, making her sit down again. Leia wanted to protest that it was okay if Evaan didn’t want to be alone with her anymore, but she was feeling too out of sorts to get the words out. ‘Take a deep breath. Leia! Look at me.’

She did as Evaan said, focusing on breathing in and out and staring back at Evaan. As soon as she felt she was gaining control of herself, she looked away in embarrassment.

‘I wasn’t going to quit just because you asked if you could kiss me,’ Evaan said softly. ‘I know you wouldn’t do anything that I didn’t—We’re on this mission together.’

Leia nodded, her folded hands trembling in her lap. She wished Evaan would leave now; she didn’t want her to look into her eyes and find out that, even as she was sorry to have sprung it up on her, there were a lot of voices shouting inside Leia’s head that demanded to be quieted by any immediate, all-sense-consuming means, and kissing a beautiful girl with soft hands that smelled of T’iil-scented moisturizer just about filled that criteria. 

But Evaan was not leaving. She wiped her hands on her pants and placed one of them on top of Leia’s own—they were slightly sweaty, that’s why she’d tried to dry them, but Leia didn’t mind. The gesture made her look up: she would apologize once more and tell Evaan to go get some rest, and then Leia would be free to wallow in her guilt and self-reproach over hitting on someone who was, for all intents and purposes, working for her.

Evaan did the one thing Leia had been trying to avoid: she looked into her eyes for several seconds, making Leia feel so exposed, she felt pinned to the spot. When she got what she seemed to have been searching for, Evaan leaned forwards. She did it slowly, her eyes drifting to Leia’s lips to clearly state her intention, but giving Leia enough time to pull back if she changed her mind. Leia neither moved away nor leaned in until she felt Evaan’s fruity breath and, a split second later, her lips pressing against hers. She feared she was still too dazed to be making any decisions, that even if Evaan had kissed her, Leia couldn’t cross the line and kiss her back, lest she was misinterpreting something.

It was just two seconds, as long as a breath, and then Evaan pulled back. Leia opened her eyes and saw that the pilot’s mouth was still very close to her, her head still bent slightly.

‘See? It wasn’t a big deal,’ Evaan said calmly. She pushed a loose lock of honey-blond hair behind her ear, but kept her other hand clutching Leia’s. ‘Would you kiss me back if I did it again?’

That made the fist in Leia’s chest relax its hold a little, and she let out a breathless, nervous laugh. She looked at Evaan’s lips and leaned in, meeting her in the middle this time. Now their mouths moved together, slowly, like they were both still afraid to overstep a boundary. Several seconds passed and neither pulled away. Leia’s hands felt cold for a moment as Evaan moved hers to her waist, bidding her closer. Leia brought her hand down accidentally on Evaan’s knee as she shifted on the bed, and she left it there. Emboldened, she touched the tip of her tongue to Evaan’s upper lip, and sucked on it when there were no objections. Evaan responded in kind, sweeping Leia’s bottom lip. Her hand cupped Leia’s jaw, filling her nostrils again with the scent of T’iil flowers, and tilted it up as her tongue slipped in. An involuntary moan rose from Leia’s throat.

Trying to hold her closer than Evaan’s folded leg allowed, Leia’s hands found the pilot’s waist and slid upwards until her fingers brushed the underside of her breasts. As someone with breasts, her appreciation of the other person groping them while they made out depended on how into the moment she was, and she was quick to push unwanted hands off. Leia had never made out with a girl before, but she saw no reason why the same rules wouldn’t apply. She didn’t go further than that, not yet, but she itched with curiosity.

Evaan pulled an arm back from around Leia’s waist.  _ This is it _ , Leia thought,  _ she’s going to get up and leave and we won’t speak of this again. _ She felt wide awake and dry sober now, her head scrubbed clean of plans and bitter memories. It would have been nice to hold on to that feeling for a while longer. Evaan didn’t get up but leaned back on one elbow, her other arm still wrapped around Leia. Quiet gasps collided between them as they fell onto the mattress, Evaan on her back, her legs dangling off the bed, with Leia sprawled half on top of her.

‘My leg fell asleep,’ Evaan whispered, ‘and my neck was starting to get stiff.’

‘Sorry,’ Leia whispered back, and kissed her again. She shifted her torso, aligning herself with Evaan, and let herself lie against her chest, tucking a hand between their bodies to cup her breast. Her own nipples felt hard under her clothes, but Evaan’s hands were pressed to the curve that started under her hips.

_ We should stop _ , Leia thought hazily. The tingling between her legs was getting more uncomfortable with each passing second, and she knew with certainty it would be a terrible idea to let themselves get too carried away. Besides, she had no idea how—

A hand grabbed her leg and pulled it sideways, until her knee was pressed against something that felt very warm even through the layers of clothes in-between. Leia’s own groin was suddenly resting on something cushiony that seemed to fit perfectly, and she realized it was Evaan’s thigh. When Leia moved, both of them moaned into each other’s mouth.

Leia felt her heartbeat galloping again against Evaan’s smaller breasts, but her embarrassment was gone. She was only aware that she needed this, and someone was willing to give it to her. Touch, smell, taste and sound filled her senses; she was happy to let them take over. She slid her hand to Evaan’s hip as she ground her pelvis on instinct and moved her knee carefully in return. Finding the waistband of Evaan’s pants, she pulled the hem of her shirt loose and touched bare, warm skin, but the tight-fitting top wouldn’t let her go any further.

‘Should I take that off, ma’am?’ Evaan asked breathlessly.

It was as if a bucket of ice-cold water had been dropped over Leia’s head. Ignoring the protests of her body, she sat up, heat rising to her face with a vengeance.

She should have known. All that talk about deference and testing her loyalty and sticking to her Princess’ side… that was what this was about. Deference. Likely mixed with pity for good measure. Leia felt so stupid, and nauseous at herself. In the end, it was as good as if she’d sexually harassed Evaan. How had she been so blind to not see that, in Evaan’s eyes, the power dynamic was always going to be tilted in Leia’s favour?

‘I’m sorry, I assumed—I got carried away,’ Evaan muttered.

Leia looked up as Evaan hopped off the bed, quickly tucking her shirt back into her pants and smoothing down the coils of hair pinned to the back of her head. Leia had never seen her looking so red in the face. Unlike before their kiss, it was Evaan who avoided Leia’s eyes now.

‘No,  _ I’m _ the one who’s sorry,’ Leia said firmly, standing up, ‘that I made you feel like you had to—that I made you feel you had to reciprocate and let me—I should never have put you in this position—’

‘Woah.’ Evaan frowned. ‘You think that I was doing all that… because I thought it was my duty as your loyal subject?’

‘You called me “ma’am”,’ Leia said, an accusing edge to her voice.

‘It was a slip. Out of habit. I didn’t mean to make you feel like—like you were forcing yourself on me or—’

Evaan took a shaky breath and stepped closer.

‘You asked me to always tell you the truth, so… the truth is, you are my Princess. I can’t see you in any other way. I would have never dared to kiss you if you hadn’t asked, but… I did like it. And…’ 

She sighed and looked down for a moment, shifting her weight to one leg again.

‘What I’ve learned in my time with the rebels is that... war is lonely. It’s just gotten a hell of a lot more lonely for us, especially. So it’s okay to want to let down your hair sometimes.’ Evaan raised her hands as she realized the unfortunate implication of the phrase. ‘Not literally! I would never presume—’

‘No, I know,’ Leia assured her. Letting someone take your hair down, in Alderaanian culture, was a gesture of profound intimacy. Leia had only ever done it with one person, and she didn’t think she and Evaan shared that kind of connection.

‘What I mean is that… if you are drunk now and you think you’ll regret this later, or if you actually have feelings for me—despite the way I’ve—then this would be a bad idea,’ Evaan asserted with the familiar little frown of her lips. ‘But if you just need to—to let out some steam discreetly, I get it. I’m up for it. And I can assure you, it would be mutual.’

Evaan gave her a small smirk as she added, ‘I’m a royalist, but I do have some boundaries, you know?’

Leia laughed, feeling lighter with relief.

‘I’m not nearly drunk enough to not know what I’m doing,’ she said. ‘And I—I genuinely like you, but I’m not in a place where I could have a relationship with anyone. So in a way, it works for the best that you’re not my biggest fan.’

Evaan looked down sheepishly at hearing her own words repeated.

‘I didn’t mean anything by it.’

‘Yes, you did,’ Leia said, ‘but I got over it.’

She lifted a hand and touched Evaan’s arm lightly.

‘Would you like to stay, then? Even if I had never… if I’ve only been with men?’ Leia asked with hesitation.

‘Have you ever been with yourself?’ Evaan asked, a hint of amusement touching her lips again.

‘Have I masturbated? Yes.’

‘Then I think you’ll find your way around just fine.’ Evaan placed her hands on Leia’s waist and shuffled closer, the hair that curved over her forehead casting shadows over her eyebrows in the soft glow of the cabin.

‘Would you please not call me ma’am, or Your Highness, or Princess?’ Leia asked, curving her hands around Evaan’s upper arms.

‘I can’t promise.’

The thought made Leia uncomfortable, but she had to accept it as Evaan’s boundary, so she said, ‘Okay.’

They took off their boots at the same time and Evaan excused herself to the ‘fresher, which Leia thought was a good idea and promptly followed after. She came out with an empty bladder, brushed teeth and clean hands, and stood in the middle of the cabin, unsure of what to do next.

Evaan held out her hand.

‘Come here. We can start by picking up where we left off.’

Following her lead, Leia lay on her back, her head on the pillow, and Evaan sat next to her.

‘May I?’ she asked, pointing at the top of Leia’s white jumpsuit. When Leia nodded, she pulled the zipper down and helped push the sleeves off her arms, leaving her in her military green support undershirt. The cooler ambient air of the cabin felt wonderful on her skin. Leia undid the hidden snap fasteners of Evaan’s shirt and pulled it open, revealing her breasts in a beige bra.

Evaan shrugged off her shirt and turned on her side to capture Leia’s mouth again. She pressed their bodies together and nudged one of her legs between Leia’s. Their hands caressed over exposed skin as they ground their hips into each other’s thigh. Evaan’s hand sneaked past the point Leia’s jumpsuit split in half and her fingers curled over her underwear for a moment, but then she stopped.

‘I’m sorry, I should have told you…’

_ Oh no, what now? _ Leia thought with dread.

‘Just that, um, my last medical check-up came out fine, and I haven’t been with anyone since. I thought you should know.’

‘Oh.’ Leia made an effort to calculate dates in her head. ‘Me too.’

Leia sat up and Evaan moved away as the jumpsuit came all the way off: the fabric was becoming too hot and the sweat made it stick to her skin. She looked at Evaan, half-lying on her side next to her. Her lips were swollen and pinkish; big locks of hair like spun gold fell out of her updo, but her pins held most of the buns in place. The plain bra had spots of sweat under the armpits and over the hard buds of her nipples. Leia had never deliberately touched the nipples of the guys she’d been with, but it had felt weirdly great to do it just now. She smiled, a mix of excited anticipation and nervousness pooling in her stomach, and leaned in to undo the fastenings of the black pants as Evaan sat up straighter. As much as she wanted to be touched, she was willing to postpone it for a bit. She had no interest in being seen as a literal pillow princess.

Her fingers moved under the surprisingly small scrap of fabric, testing. It felt like familiar territory, so she tried what was familiar to her.

‘Tell me what feels right,’ she said. Evaan’s whole body quivered and fell back on her elbows, teeth biting down on her lower lip to muffle the series of high-pitched moans that rose from her throat.  _ I think you’ll find your way around just fine _ , she had said earlier. Leia thought she might have.

* * *

Leia pulled her undershirt up from her waist, although she didn’t bother to slide the straps back up her shoulders. Her practical black underwear was rumpled around her thighs; she untangled them and slid them in place. Her hand sought out the chrono she’d left on the floor and she squinted at it before remembering to light up the dial.

‘Two in the morning,’ Evaan confirmed from the foot of the bed, checking her own chrono. She untangled her clothing from the sheets that had fallen to the floor and dusted them off. After a moment’s pause, she turned to look at Leia over her shoulder. ‘I think I should go now, if that’s okay.’

‘Yes, of course.’

‘You should get some sleep. There’s not much we can do until they figure out where the transmissions came from,’ Evaan said.

Her braids fell against Leia’s back as she sat up, crossing her legs.

‘Right. Thank you, Evaan. I had a really good time.’

Evaan pulled her shirt on and began to button it up, smiling to herself.

‘I did, too. I would have never thought—’ She shook her head and squeezed her legs back into her pants. ‘Nothing, never mind.’

‘What?’ Leia asked, curious. ‘That I liked women?’

‘Well, more that you liked anyone. You seemed so… But I don’t know what I’m talking about, clearly.’

_ Ice Princess. _

A bunch of pins clattered against the surface as Evaan fixed her hair, and then she was gone.

Leia fell back into the mattress, pulling the sheets over her body. The last shreds of calm and contentedness were evaporating very quickly. Her anxiety in the beginning had not been due to a lack of sexual experience, or even to the confirmation that she was attracted to women. If she had to be attracted to someone who didn’t even want to try to be her friend, who was under her orders, she should have been able to keep it to herself. Despite Evaan’s assurances that it was normal to want to experience closeness under their circumstances, and the fact that Leia had never frowned at the idea of casual sex, she couldn’t help but feel like she had messed things up and added an unnecessary complication to her already messy emotional life. 

After two hours of rolling aimlessly on the bed, Leia got up to take a long shower and then drank tea while she let her loose hair dry and her clothes get washed. She sifted through her scant box of jewellery for something to do, her fingers stopping over the iridescent, wavy surface of her mother’s necklace, the one she’d worn to the Yavin ceremony. She took it out and laid it on the table.

_ I miss you so much _ , she thought, teeth clenched at the gap that threatened to open inside her chest. When her first boyfriend, Kier, had died, she had promised to herself she could never feel the same about anyone else, wouldn’t let herself get close to anyone she could lose, until the Empire was gone. A couple of years later, she’d met someone else, and while she hadn’t grown to feel as deeply for him, she thought that it could still be in the cards, that she couldn’t close herself off forever.

She had been a fool. Now it was more than a sixteen-year-old’s promise; it was the certainty that she would not be able to feel anything deep, happy and lasting ever again, and more than that, that she would rather be alone than get close to anyone the Empire could take away from her.

The worst part was thinking that, if Evaan had offered to stay, Leia would have liked to fall asleep with her arms and legs wrapped around her. Then again, she was grateful that at least one of them was thinking clearly when she was not.

* * *

She had come out of her cabin before six, the necklace tucked inside one of her pockets. Evaan and Nunb had been opening the crates of weapons the smuggler had offered for their cause. Leia couldn’t think of what her mother would have done in her place, but awarding the Sullustan with Breha’s precious chalcedony waves felt right.

She had been in the middle of placing the necklace around Nien Nunb’s neck when Jora had burst in carrying their spy, the unlikeliest person Leia could have pictured: a young girl who had made the mistake of thinking she was only communicating with her sister.

When Evaan rang her buzzer that evening, Leia thought that somehow she’d figured out her plan and came to chew her out. Leia had told everyone about the call between Tace, her sister Tula and the Imperial commander who had been manipulating them both. The predicted responses hadn’t made themselves wait: of course their leader wouldn’t trade her life for some traitorous Alderaanian.  _ Trust me _ , she had told Tace earlier. Leia wanted some time alone to plan and talk to Artoo before revealing her decision, and she didn’t need to be talked out of it before she had a solid rebuttal.

The pilot had the same shirt and boots from the night before, but her sleek leather pants had been replaced by ones that had yellow stripes running along the sides. It reminded Leia of Han Solo’s pants during the ceremony, but slightly different. She remembered hearing about something called “Corellian Bloodstripes”, a sort of military award, and suspected Evaan’s couldn’t mean that, as she wasn’t Corellian-born. She doubted Han had gotten his honourably, anyway. One thing they had in common, though, was that they both filled those pants nicely.

‘I thought you could use the company,’ Evaan said. Hiding her surprise, Leia let her in. Before opening the door, she’d thrown her cape over her undershirt and the pair of sleep shorts she’d traded her jumpsuit for moments earlier, since she’d meant to try to take a short nap before getting to work. Her feelings were a mix of pleasure at the visit, and dread over having to lie to Evaan to her face if the subject came up.

Which of course it did.

‘I know it’s not easy, making that kind of call,’ Evaan said, sitting at the small table while Leia finished brushing her hair. ‘That poor kid… betrayed by her own blood!’

Evaan’s nostrils flared in anger.

‘I would give anything if I knew any of my siblings had survived. Anything to keep them safe. Did she honestly think they were going to let her sister live if they caught us?’

‘People will believe anything they set their minds to,’ Leia said. ‘Especially when it’s all they have left.’

She set her brush down and began to thread her hair into a single braid.

‘How many siblings did you have?’

‘Four. A sister and two brothers. Nobody knew about my secret activities except for my little brother. He wanted to help, and I told him he should finish his studies first. He’s—he was going to be a computer linguist.’

That was the first show of emotion over her own, personal loss that Leia had seen from her. Evaan didn’t look at her while she spoke, her eyes following the path her fingers were tracing on the tabletop’s veining. Leia secured the end of her braid with an elastic and reached out to touch Evaan’s free hand. She was surprised again when the other woman’s fingers wrapped around her own in a squeeze.

‘And to think I broke things off with my girlfriend last year to protect her.’ Evaan let out a bitter chuckle and quickly wiped her cheek. ‘I’m sorry. I think I needed to tell someone about them. I feel like I haven’t had a proper minute to… to think about it all.’

‘Me too,’ Leia confessed, rubbing her thumb over Evaan’s hand. ‘I think if I think too much about it, I won’t be able to go on.’

‘That makes sense.’ Evaan looked up at her; Leia noticed that the corner of the amber eyes were damp. ‘And I’m sorry I was so harsh about you—and at you—after the ceremony. I had no right to expect you’d bawl your eyes out in front of everyone. I honestly don’t know what I expected.’

‘Something to make you feel better,’ Leia answered. That morning, she’d believed she had used Evaan to try to feel something, but now she wondered if Evaan hadn’t been looking for comfort in her, too, a shared moment’s silence from the thoughts and emotions that threatened to spill out during their waking hours.

Leia took a deep breath and untied her cloak, hanging it to the back of her chair.

‘I could help with that now, if you’d like.’

Evaan looked up at her, her eyes dropping to the exposed skin of Leia’s chest. She swallowed and nodded.

* * *

Evaan fell asleep next to Leia, although her arms were wrapped only around the pillow. When Leia woke up, she thought she’d slept for hours, but only three had passed since Evaan had showed up in her cabin. She was alone on the bed.

Her sleeping patterns had been horrible lately; being on a starship and on call at every hour didn’t help. That nap, albeit short by any standards, had been restorative: Leia felt fresh and wide awake as she put the kettle on and raised Artoo on her comm.

Jora and Pareece were leaving early to Espirion as her emissaries: that made two fewer people to convince. Really, it was only Evaan’s understanding that Leia was interested in.

She opened her suitcase and lifted the long, white Senatorial robes she’d worn on the Death Star, stain-free once again. She would not let Tula die, but it was not  _ her _ turn to die yet, either, if she could help it. The robes seemed a fitting sartorial choice.

Before stepping into the shower, she commed Evaan.

‘Could you be here in ten minutes?’

If she was doing this, Evaan needed to hear her plan first.

* * *

‘How could you?’ 

That was the first thing Evaan said, staring aghast at Leia as she twisted her brown hair into two side coils. The grudging respect Leia had earned from her seemed to vanish, replaced by a look of disappointment and betrayal. Leia wondered if any part of Evaan was silently asking,  _ Did you know this last night? _

It was a reasonable reaction, and Leia had prepared for it, explaining that, if they wanted other Alderaanians to trust that she would do  _ anything  _ to keep them safe even at her own risk, then she had to show them that she meant it. For the second time during their trip, the thoughts that were in the back of her head at every hour escaped her mouth, baring themselves to Evaan.  _ If I hadn’t joined the rebellion… if I hadn’t hoped I could make a difference… if I had given them what they wanted before they could reach Alderaan… my fault… _

They had come out of her days ago as they tried to find a way out of the bowels of the Alderaan enclave and prevent the Empire from blowing it to pieces. Evaan had told her then the same thing she did now: it was not Leia’s fault that Alderaan was gone. It could have happened anyway, sooner or later, because Alderaan was everything the Empire despised. 

A surge of affection came over Leia as Evaan revealed her reliance on Leia’s guidance to make things right. Even as she disapproved of Leia’s choice, she understood it with genuine respect. Leia didn’t know that she did have a noble heart, as Evaan had called it. She didn’t know if she could believe just yet that the empty stretch of galaxy where Alderaan had been wasn’t her fault. She wanted to make amends. If Evaan could forgive her, then perhaps other people could, too.

Going into Imperial capture for real was not part of Leia’s plan: Evaan and Nien Nunb, aided by Artoo, would follow her down undetected to Skaradosh on the  _ Mellcrawler _ and rescue her after they had secured the exchange. Then they would avoid the Star Destroyer, get back on the  _ Lord Junn _ and head to Espirion.

‘Why didn’t you start there?’ Evaan said with an incredulous laugh. ‘Don’t get me wrong, this could still go horribly in a thousand ways, and I’d let that traitor die if it were me, but—I’m glad you’re not giving up on us just yet.’

‘Not without a fight,’ Leia assured her.

‘Should I go talk to Nien, then?’

‘Please. And Evaan—not a word to anyone else.’

Evaan paused at the door.

‘Good luck, Leia,’ she said, her eyes serious. ‘Don’t do anything foolish until we get there.’

‘I’ll do my best,’ Leia promised, giving Evaan one last reassuring smile before she left. At last, Evaan had used her name.

* * *

As the success was bigger than anything they had accomplished thus far, so was the party. Not only had they managed to rescue Leia and Tula from Skaradosh, but Alderaanians from all across the galaxy had answered Leia’s call and, with the help of the Espirion colony, they had taken down the Star Destroyer that had been giving them chase. Leia’s heart felt heavy, the inside of her eyes burning with the image of all the vessels they had lost in the fight. The  _ Lord Junn’s _ main hold was fuller than ever as it took in the refugees, though; Tace and the rest of the Melodic Order played live for the crowd, and the ship owner’s leftover wine reserves had been broken out. 

‘You could use a drink,’ Evaan said, approaching Leia with two glasses of pink blossom wine and handing her one.

‘Thanks.’

She sipped and said nothing. A group of people had made canapes and were circulating them among the guests, but her stomach was still in knots from the day’s events. Leia promised to watch her wine intake this time.

When their situation had seemed bleak, after Leia had realized that she’d inadvertently put all the refugees in danger without proper means to defend them, Evaan had finally referred to the two of them as friends. She did so obliquely, Leia finishing her sentence for her, but it had been enough of a boost for Leia to deliver the speech that had made all the difference and convinced Espirion to send help.

Now that things had calmed down, Leia reflected on that. She was grateful to have finally earned Evaan’s friendship, but it was exhausting to depend on someone else’s validation. Evaan had told her she would always be her princess, and Leia knew that to be true even now. As much as Leia had enjoyed their private time together and found comfort in Evaan’s arms; as relieving as it had been to have someone she could share her pain with without spelling it out, they would never be a good match for a lasting relationship.

‘So where do we go from here, Leia?’ Evaan asked now, looking satisfied and cheerful.

Leia turned to look at her. She had been too busy and preoccupied with their mission to ask herself that question, but the answer had been there all along.

* * *

‘What if I never see you again?’ Evaan asked, hugging Leia tightly. They were in Leia’s cabin, her suitcase open on the bed. Leia’s white robes and her tan cape lay folded inside, with the little box of her treasures tucked on the side. She had told Evaan to meet her there after the party to discuss her plans to rejoin the rebellion in private. This time, too, she’d thought Evaan deserved to hear it first.

When they broke the hug, she saw tear tracks on Evaan’s cheeks.

There was no doubt that Evaan loved Alderaan and its legacy more than anything. Leia did, too, but her parents, and herself, had not joined the rebellion just for Alderaan. Leia’s place was with the Alliance; her way to serve her people was by fighting to ensure the Empire could never hurt them or anybody else again.

Evaan would make a good leader, Leia was sure of that.

Leia held the other woman’s hands for the last time and kissed her cheek. She was happy to part from Evaan as friends.

‘If you never see me again, know that I couldn’t have done this without you.’

* * *

‘This is Leia Organa. Authorization code delta-alpha-nu-five-five. Requesting permission to land.’

‘Welcome back, Your Highness, you’re right on time,’ a voice responded through the comlink. ‘You can use the South-Three landing pad and we’ll tow you in.’

The ship’s belly skillfully swept over the green sea of texture below, its nose pointing towards the place where the Massassi temple would soon rise over the trees.

Leia had sent periodic updates back to base, but refused to take any calls. She had put in a call request the day before, just before announcing her decision to the diaspora. She knew what she wanted, but she wondered if the Alliance would want her back after her insubordination.

To her heart’s delight, General Rieekan had been the one to speak to her.

‘I convinced Dodonna to let me handle… erm…’

‘Me?’ Leia supplied helpfully with a smirk.

Rieekan was more diplomatic.

‘Your situation. He’s not happy with the way you played him to get what you wanted—he might have said you lacked discipline—but he’ll get over it when he sees no harm has been done.’

The General’s kind eyes fixed on hers.

‘This Alderaanian is grateful for your service, Princess.’

It was midnight in standard hours, but high afternoon on Yavin IV when she landed. Leia had always been more or less impervious to jetlag.  _ You don’t let something as silly and made-up as time govern your body, _ her dad used to say to her after a trip off-world together.  _ She has star-fuel running through her veins, _ her mom would add, running her fingers over Leia’s braids. This time, as her feet landed on the ancient stone floor, Leia felt exhausted to the bone, and would have gladly lain down for a couple of hours, nightmares and insomnia be damned.

‘Thank you again, Artoo,’ she said, patting the droid’s dome as techs ran to receive her and tend to her ship. ‘You were simply phenomenal.’

‘Leia!’

Luke was bounding towards her, waving an arm over his head. Han and Chewbacca followed, looking more casual than Skywalker but still grinning at the sight of her.

‘You left us to clean up here and went on an adventure to the other side of the galaxy, Your Highnessness,’ Solo shouted accusingly, although Leia was sure he was just trying to wind her up.

‘We can’t all be the heroes who blew up the Death Star, Captain,’ she shot back, walking towards the group.

‘I’m sorry for trying to sabotage your ship.’ Luke looked down sheepishly. ‘We were trying to keep you safe, and I thought—I’m supposed to obey them now and prove I’m loyal, or—’

‘It’s okay, Luke, I would have done the same in your place,’ Leia assured him.

‘[I’m glad you made it before we left, Princess,]’ Chewbacca added, ruffling the top of her head too gently to really mess up her braids.

Her spirits deflated a little.

‘Oh. You’re finally leaving us, then?’

‘Yavin, yeah,’ Han interjected. ‘The  _ Falcon _ has lots of room for your gizmos, we’re s’pposed to ferry some of that to New Kisge and didn’t know where you’d be goin’. But after  _ that _ , we’re out.’

‘Okay.’ Leia nodded, making a mental note to talk to General Rieekan about Han Solo and Chewbacca. ‘How about I hitch a ride with you guys, then?’

‘You got it, sweetheart,’ Han said, throwing an arm around her and Luke’s shoulders as they walked into the temple.

**Author's Note:**

> I'd really appreciate it if you left kudos and possibly a comment if you liked it (or leave without a fuss if you didn't).


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